The Unbearable Heaviness of Being

My butt controls my life
It is the most powerful force in my universe
Stronger than gravity
Seriously, the magnetic attraction
Between my butt
And my office chair
My living room chair
My couch
My bed
Should be explored by scientists
Maybe I could write a grant

At times I use this force for good
I grade papers
I write
I read
I keep up with current events
I talk to my children
I meditate
But other times
My butt sucks me into a life
Of General Hospital
And Internet wanderlust
And bad carbs
And TLC and HGTV
And more bad carbs
And reruns of Project Runway

Sometimes I show my butt who is boss
We do yoga
And though my butt is tired
It’s a good kind of tired
And deep down my butt is glad
We go for walks
There are beautiful hiking trails
All around my house
But this time of year
My butt is more than happy
To use snow as an excuse

My butt pulls me down past
My good intentions
My resolutions
My expectations
To numb inertia

It thinks it is my higher power
And I'm afraid it might be right

I may have red hair
And more freckles than I can count
And a decent brain

But my butt
Is what
Is really in charge